July 2020.
Just as I was starting to feel strong again and at peace with the constant financial struggle, Karma started to experience degenerative myelopathy.
It happened suddenly.
We were walking back from the beach and both back legs locked at once leaving her crawling down and dragging her body with the front legs only.
Luckily, I was right next to her and picked her back up and slowly massaged her while having her sit on my lap.
She looked at me with resignation.
Then , she resumed walking the 50 meters back to our shack.
During the few minutes it took us to reach the shack, my mind was racing.
A clear message telling me that she had between 3 to 6 months before total paralysis and the certainty that she would not be alive for Chrismass.
Why now ?
Why now that I have finally made my peace with not being mobile ?
I don’t mind the struggle, all I care about is giving Karma as much enjoyment as possible. I have been living through her for over 12 years. My unique joy in Life has been to see her being Free and happy. To See her eyes lit up everytime I suggest doing something.
Universe must have misunderstood.
I have found strength to accept my circumstances.
I want to scream at the Universe : it doesn’t mean that I want to move alone or that I am strong enough to do it !!!
Why ?
Why take back my Soulmate now ?
Is it time for me to be alone and move on to the next chapter ?
All I have left to do is to put all my journals together and share them with others.
Once we get home, I take the decision to not go sell on the beach anymore and to spend every single hour with Karma. To dedicate my whole time to her.
This is the only thing that matters from now on.
Yes, I need money to pay rent and food but I cannot waste any precious moment of the few months I have left in this chapter.
I will borrow money if I have to and will deal with it after Karma.
As always, when my decisions come from my soul, Universe has my back and brings circumstances to me so I can do just what I decided.
That same week, a friend offered me to work a few hours at night at a kiosk where I could take karma with me. The job was perfect and for the next three month I didn’t have to worry about finances.
During the day, I essentially hung out with karma, sitting with her watching people walk by, riding around town, Ocean time. I only made jewelry for a maximum of 3 hours throughout the day.
Karma loved going to the kiosk as people would stop for her without fault. She had this thing with people. She always attracted people and through her I met wonderful human beings.
Her legs got worse.
I got a wheelchair for her through an amazing person (Treva Gage) who also raised $400 for Karma’s needs as well as CBD and a few natural remedies.
Before the commercial wheelchair I had built one of PVC but got stuck making the back harness.
The chairs are perfect but there are issues related to the back harness.
Karma has advanced hip dysplasia in both hips since she was a puppy.
Both her femurs being totally out of hip sockets, her legs are pulled close together at the hips. She had no strength on her back legs. If she stood still, you could tip her easily and make her fall. Not many people saw this because she was so strong on her front.
The back harness had to go between her back legs to help support her body but it also spread them open in a position unnatural for her. It created intense ain on her joints.
When I held her legs myself , I could see that she understood what the chair did for her but I could not set it. If she didn’t have the malformation of her back legs, it would have worked. But, it was in vain.
So there went the wheelchair idea.
I had a tricycle with a front trailer for her since she was 5 years old and I will take her everywhere with me in it.
All her life I have been calculating her walking distance/ time depending on how long before she was in pain and planned my whole day around it.
As she got weaker in the joint with the years, she got used to me holding her and helping her up.
Walking was for the beach only.
The last month she could not really walk and I had to hold her while she walked around or went to wee and it resulted in me having sharp back pains.
I was at her beck and call more than ever before.
Anticipating when she needed to get up or change spot, or go to the bathroom.
It wasn’t so hard as we had been just the 2 of us for so long and I was good at reading her intentions and being by her side.
The CBD made a huge difference in her pain caused by dysplasia so at least I knew she wasn’t in pain.
IN September I stopped working totally as she got worse. I had to be there for her.
End of October, I noticed an abscess in her gums but money was really tight and I decided to wait hoping it would go away. After a week, it was still there and I Asked around for help, offering people to buy my work so I could get to the vet. People responded and I gathered the money.
Well, that was it.
It was not safe to operate and the growth could not be removed without major surgery. By now , the paralysis was very advanced and it didn’t make sense to submit her to her last weeks of life recovering from major surgery.
If the tumour was not taking her, she was going to be totally paralyzed soon anyways.
The vet told me It could grow out of control in only 3 days.
When I asked if it could just go away or not grow for another month, she just told me to prepare myself.
I could never stand to see Karma in pain.
I prayed to Universe to, please, make the tumour go away, to make Karma immortal.
At the same time, I was exhausted, physically and mentally.
I wanted to take care of her forever and on another hand I couldn’t do it anymore.
I have barely managed to cover rent and food since I stopped working in September.
I made it, but I was using her fund money to complete what I managed to earn.
I didn’t have the time to think of what I would do after Karma.
I was never prone to waste time thinking about tomorrow.
The tumour stayed the same for another 2 weeks but then it started to grow.
The third week, at night, karma was panting so hard on the bed that it trembled.
I looked at her and she was staring at me hoping I would make it better. I saw the puddle of fresh blood on the ground and on the bed where her mouth was.
It had started bleeding a few days before. When she closed her mouth, her teeth would get into contact and it would burst. I had to press with a cloth to make it stop.
I stayed awake with her, holding a cloth in her mouth to control the bleeding and held her to allow her to relax a bit and rest.
That was Saturday night.
There was nothing to be done to solve this.
I knew.
I was not ready to take her now and say goodbye.
Sunday, she didn’t eat breakfast and we spent the whole day at the beach.
I told her not to worry. That I knew she felt bad for needing me so much.
That night, at sunset, she tried to get up to go and see some dogs and she couldn’t even do this.
For the first time I saw the look of sadness in her eyes.
I saw a pain that had nothing to do with her body.
My heart broke into a thousand pieces but I couldn’t let her feel that I was sad so I pretended and I told her :
<< don’t worry baby, it’s over. Tomorrow, you are going back to be part of the Whole. I am sorry baby. I will stay with you and soon I will come to be with you again.You Are the best person in the world.
We both slept on the floor over layers of towels to absorb the blood.
She couldn’t sleep because everytime she fell asleep, her teeth would touch the tumour and she would be woken up by blood pouring into her mouth.
All night, I held a cloth in her mouth to avoid losing too much blood but she still couldn’t rest and neither of us slept.
I took her bleeding for a last tricycle stroll on the beach in the morning. She didn’t even want to get out the tricycle to go in the water.
The tumour was bleeding and she looked at me with her innocent angel eyes.
She was so used to me fixing everything, to make everything better for her. She couldn’t understand why I was not fixing this.
She still was my perfect puppy, the most beautiful being.
The approaching end of my Life felt so brutal and yet, I had to not think about it for her sake. So, no tears.
A friend came to pick us up.
I switched my mind to Emergency Mode.
She came into the room with me, walking bravely, trusting me once again.
She was exhausted.
I lay her down with her head on my lap as we often did.
Told her it was over, that she could sleep now.
She trusted me and closed her eyes and I felt her body relax.
The vet injected her with a relaxant to help.
She didn’t need it, but it assured me that she wouldnt feel sick with the Euthanasia.
She trusted me so much.
All along, I was telling her how much I loved her and that it was only her body that was leaving, that we still would be together.
From the first injection to the last heart beat, there was hardly 5 minutes.
So fast.
And then, I could cry.
But I couldn’t crumble.
I still had to take her body and bury her.
I had not thought about it yet.
Many times I had said that I would take her body into the Ocean that she loved so much.
No boat accepted to take me for this.
We drove outside of town into the forest.
We drove until my mind said stop. I was like a robot.
I walked, stopped, took the shovel and started digging.
An hour later, my friend helped me carry her body and lay it into the grave.
I had her wrapped up in her traveling blanket. The same one she laid on during all our travels together during the past 12 years. From buses to beds, Taxis, kayaks, beaches, tents.
That blanket will take her on her last journey back where she belongs.
In the universe.
It is now 8 months and I still cry my heart out so much I miss the presence of her pure soul by my side.
We were one when she was alive and she is still with me, inside of me, so strong.
I had always told her that she will be my only one.
I intentionally changed my whole Life for her, she pushed her physical ability to be with me.
It was never me and Karma.
It was US.
Karma Forever
19 March 2007 – 25 November 2019